Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Ode to Spam

On a lighter note today...

Ode to Various Luncheon Meats
(Or, The Wonder of By-products)

Part I

Spam, Spam, Glorious Spam!
Take it on the trolley! Take it on the tram!
It will vanquish your hunger with ease,
And its shelf life is several centuries!
Use it in place of ipecac; it’s pink like Pepto Bismal
(Though, in hair replacement trials, its results were rather dismal.)
Feed it to the old folks, and the babies in the pram,
‘Cuz as everybody knows, everybody like da Spam!

Part II

Bologna, the other pink Spam!
Made of who-knows-what, though they call it ham.
I mean, come on! Does anyone really know how it’s made?
For all we know it could be Caribou meat (filleted).
Of this, and its cousin, chopped and formed ham,
Of these products, you would think, you would need but a gram
To wipe out the whole human race in a flash,
And in heaven, we could have a big afterlife bologna bash!
But no, bologna lasts forever, or almost, anyways.
The only thing eternally fresher is Spam, on any given day.

Part III

Spam! Spam Lite! Corned Beef in a can!
If you don’t eat it, you’re not a man!
Just take off the key and roll off the top,
And you’ll have so much fun you won’t be able to stop!
With their cousins, the hotdogs, and Vienna sausages too,
They float in their own met by-product Au Jous.
Perfect for dipping your PB&J’s!(An old family recipe from the beginning of days.)

Part IV

Ah, Spamshine! Sweet nectar of God on high,
Better than any alcoholic product you could buy.
Spam Juice Beer, and aged Spam Juice Wine,
Perfect to drink every time you dine!
As to why it’s so great, I’ll give an example:
It won’t show up in your urinary sample!
Ah, sweet sweet nectar of God on high,
Spamshine, sweet Spamshine, for your sake, I would die!


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